Your body is not a house that you have to clean up before guests come. Your body is yours and yours alone. If he doesn’t love you, then he doesn’t love you. Your body is not the offering or the deal you make, okay? I know that feeling, that thought process. Maybe if I just lost the weight, I’d be lovable. Stop it in its tracks. You are the most important person in your life. Love yourself more than the idea of being good enough for someone else. You are a force of nature, okay? Be here. In your body. You’re allowed.
The second time I overdosed,
my body couldn’t handle it,
and I threw it all up.
I texted my dad saying,
“I think I took a little too many pills”.
And every time I’ve overdosed,
I always downplay it.
I’ve always tried to act
like it wasn’t a big deal.
That having the urge to swallow a whole bottle of pills
was something daily that normal people do.
My dad hurried home and saw the empty bottle
and he shook me to make sure I was awake.
I kept mumbling “I threw it up.. I threw it up..”
while I was drifting off to sleep.
He had to wake me up every 15 minutes
to make sure I was okay.
Let me tell you now,
it is a big deal.
The third time I overdosed,
I slept through first and second period
and passed out in the counselor’s office.
I didn’t want to go to the ER.
I just wanted to go home.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
Again, I just said,
“I think I took too many pills this morning.”
The fifth time I overdosed,
my dad found the empty pill box.
I hallucinated, I had a fever.
I couldn’t move my legs.
All I could do was scream,
“Don’t take me to the hospital this time.
I don’t want to go!”
I became friends with a girl who had overdosed
she’s one of my best friends now
and when I heard she was hospitalized as well,
it just makes me realize how real this problem is.
A couple months ago, another friend of mine overdosed.
Do you realize how fucked up it is,
that I’ve done it so many times
that I know the exact procedure that she’s going to go through?
She messaged me saying,
“I took a bunch of pills,
but I just realized I didn’t want to die.
I don’t know what to do.
And I’m screaming at her over the screen
that she should throw it up and call 911
because sometimes when someone you love
decides that they hate the world,
that’s all you can do.
You can’t teleport through the phone.
You can’t travel through the internet.
You can’t be there to hold them
and take them to the hospital.
Your love is not charcoal that can
absorb all their poison in their life.
I know, love that you would have done all you could.
Sometimes words aren’t enough.
Sometimes love isn’t enough.
Sometimes a person needs to try dying
to know that that’s not really what they want.
There’s nothing you could have done.
You’ve done all you could.
Just keep loving them.
But you see the thing is,
I got lucky.
I’ve made it back from 5 overdoses
without a scratch on me.
But that’s not always the case.
My favorite teacher’s stepdaughter
locked herself in her room and overdosed.
To this day,
her stepmother still has a scar on her heart.
To this day,
on the anniversary of her death,
her stepmother still stays home from school
on the anniversary of her death.
Her sister is in a bad mental state,
and so is her biological mother.
Her family has fallen apart.
You overdose because you think
you will get a peaceful release from death.
It’s not peaceful.
It is not like falling asleep.
It is convulsions, vomiting,
muscle spasms, fevers,
and sharp stomach pains.
An overdose is not instant.
Hollywood has you believing,
that an overdose
is how a lady should exit the world.
As quiet as she came in,
Peaceful and unnoticed.
You will go out kicking and screaming
and wishing you hadn’t taken them.
6:03 p.m. (I think I’m done overdosing)
Dedicated to Rae
I say with teeth clenched around your jugular.
You’ve got them graveyard hands,
nails dredged up from diamond mines,
bones screaming bloody murder.
I wear combat boots and only smoke Camels,
like how you look with a noose around your neck.
Teach me to breathe poetry in the hollows
of your spine, bruise my name down your back.
With teeth made of cigarette smoke
and wrists of chewed leather,
I keep you perched on pretty legs
in the passenger seat of my father’s old car,
radio turned to love songs we never learned to sing.
We weren’t made for that marrying kind of tender;
we kiss like addicts hungry for a hit.
We are fighters, not lovers –
poets who plot murders and get drunk
to find God or our mothers’ ghosts,
spend all our time applying assonance to bar fights.
You’re good for alliterations and throwing punches,
you keep the boys hungry and on their knees.
I’m not good for much at all, baby,
A useless kid with knuckles bruised from living –
Killers, honey, killers."
The Victorians honored human hair
because it was the only trait of the body
that remained after death. I shaved my legs
in your shower. I hid long strands of myself
in your pillowcases. That is all that is left.
Thinking of someone else during sex
is a cardinal sin punishable by nothing.
The heart is wanting. The heart
is perpetually two-years-old. The heart
is bad at sharing. The heart is a hungry
gas tank. The heart is not a metaphor.
When the teacher asks you what grade
you think you deserve, you will always say B+.
90% of Americans will vote for Obama
because the night before the election, he will
slow dance with his wife and kiss her forehead
and we will want so badly to believe that
they actually fucking love each other.
Writing a list of ways I could be better
and writing a suicide note are the same thing.
The heart lives in a packed elevator.
It doesn’t know what floor its waiting for
but it wants it wants it wants to get off.
The Victorians believe when you write a poem
from an airplane that moment becomes suspended
in the sky forever, like a ornament in God’s mobile.
So now you know: somewhere between Phoenix
and Las Vegas, a thousand miles up, there you are
like a grocery list pinned to blue.
I wake up and taste poetry in my mouth,
and that’s how I know I have
been dreaming about you again.
There are a thousand planets living in between
your eyelashes alone,
but I promise not to love you like you are my universe.
It would be dishonest,
and you probably deserve better than that.
My mother keeps asking me
why I’m peeling my lips away
to get rid of a name
I’ve never kissed,
and I still don’t have an answer for her yet.
I stopped playing piano in the seventh grade
when my hands started shaking so badly,
I thought they were drunk.
I look for you in raining sunsets
and flowers on other girl’s doorsteps
and I can’t tell if you are there or not.
I have never asked anyone to stay before,
but that doesn’t mean
I don’t cry when they leave.
I spend a lot of time writing
to people who can’t remember
the color of my eyes,
and maybe I should keep things
like that to my self.
We aren’t meant to be together
in this lifetime,
so we’ll have to try again
in the next one.
You have to promise me you’ll
because I don’t think I can
lose you like this again.
There’s only so much poetry
I can write about your hands
before I start to forget
what your love line looks like
and where it leads to.
I’ve been telling myself this whole
time that it was leading to me.
Maybe I’ve been wrong.
Please tell me I’m not wrong.
Miss u forever0 notes
1. He bought me lilies for our one month anniversary. I put them in a water bottle in my locker. They died. They were too pretty for high school and I hated him after three months.
2. He got very high on a Thursday and told me that he hated his hair. I loved him immediately.
3. He left his house because I told him that I was sad and pretty. We lay in the grass and kissed under the street lamps and weren’t afraid of being hit by cars. It was only nice once.
4. He told me he had always wondered what it would be like to kiss me. I couldn’t resist that. He tried to put his hands in my pockets and I told him it wasn’t cute.
5. He got me drunk.
6. He asked me to be his strip poker partner. I don’t really know how to play poker but I think we may have lost on purpose. A few months later I found out he got into Cornell. I was happy for him.
7. He kissed me on the staircase and we blocked people’s paths. He gave me a hickey right in the middle of my neck as if he wanted my mother to hate me.
8. He touched me with both sides of his hands and when I asked him why he said it was because he wanted to.
9. He bought me a notebook but I was afraid that none of my thoughts would be lovely enough for it so I just carried it around, blank, for months. Maybe years.
10. He fell asleep next to me and dreamed about me so hard that he woke up after an hour and he had to kiss me. I think he breathed my name into my chest but I couldn’t be sure. He said he loved my shoulder: the left one, not the right."
1. The humidity and your hot breath saying, “I think I love you” fogged up the windows. When it was over, I drew shapes in the steam as you disposed of the evidence. On the drive home, you stared straight at the road, avoiding my “first time” grin. By the time we reached my house, I had nervously scratched my fresh mosquito bites so hard that bits of blood stained my bra.
2. He taught me how to be touched and feel nothing. I taught him how to care for a ghost. The day he muttered “bitch” outside of the bedroom, I left.
3. Friends and I giggled about you in a bathtub, wearing our bathing suits and holding mixed drinks made with $10 vodka. Sometimes I wonder how I fell for your speech about how much you cared, but then I remember your face backlit by the moonlight as you lifted my dress.
4. Sex, adventure, and red-hot passion don’t compare to the way you smiled when you curled up beside me.
5. We shivered in your parents’ apartment, but still took off our clothes when the movie got slow. I led you to the bedroom as the credits rolled, and pulled a quilt around us as we kissed in the hazy darkness.
6. When he rubbed his foot against my leg, I pretended I was sleeping. I thought he had offered me a place to sleep off my high out of kindness. The next day, on the phone with my boyfriend, I shook with anger as he told me, “Oh, he’s just like that.”
7. Oh God, you were so sad. Even sleeping together was weepy. You fell asleep with your nose pressed to the wall and shuddered when I tried to hold you. I was always scared to touch you for fear you’d fall to pieces.
8. You were so brief, I think I made you up. Because of you, I dream about a stranger touching my chin as he undresses me in a bedroom I don’t recognize.
9. I can’t believe you used your sadness as a tool, knowing if I pitied you, I would be less likely to push you off when you kissed me.
10. I fucked myself harder than you ever did."
She said it was ironic how soft and small my hands are because everything inside of me is vast and jagged.
She told me one time her aunt gave her a present that was wrapped up so beautifully she never even opened it.
She said it must get lonely when the world will look at you but no one will look in you."
1. When you cut yourself, clean and bandage it.
2. Do not start smoking cigarettes because the boy who broke your heart does.
3. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
4. Cutting calories doesn’t do anything but make you unhappy.
5. If the number on the scale rises, throw it out.
6. The first girl you ever “date” is going to call the police on you even though she lives three thousand miles away, because you’re going to tell her that you’re not in a good mental state shortly after you’ve “broken up”.
7. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
8. Break up with the boy who says, “You had a sexy phase!” when you tell him that you’ve dated a girl before.
9. Dating your friends is not always the best idea, but you can still be friends after you’ve broken up with her.
10. Your mother will try to become your best friend because you’re leaving for college soon. Let her.
11. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
12. Your closest friend will stop talking to you when you leave for college.
13. It’s okay to cry.
14. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
15. When you cut yourself again, clean and bandage it. Do not be ashamed.
16. Your anxiety is going to try and control your entire life. Tell it to shut the hell up, because you’re trying to live and that task is hard enough as it is.
17. The past has a funny way of coming back in the form of you developing a crush on another friend.
18. Try not to hate yourself for breaking up with your boyfriend.
19. If you’re still smoking, apologize silently to your mother.
20. When you want to kill yourself, don’t." 73,054 notes